Closer

It's quite interesting to notice a change in language, and in attitude people use and show when their relationships are getting tighter.

Obvious, I know. Yet, there's something genuinely fascinating in an effort we are ready to make when we are starting to talk to someone. Not sure whether it just aims at impressing that new acquaintance of ours, or because it's part of our New Year's resolution to stop being so inappropriately modest...

The result is, we want to be admired by someone we don't yet know. So we put our best smile on, we reveal the best vocabulary sets we have ever known, we even add a bit of non-flirting charm. We try.

Why then, it's practically never the case with the closest ones? We use simple words, we don't dress to impress at home, and the charm... well, it's best kept. Hidden. For another stranger who happens to be passing by.

Weird. 

1:43 to nightmare

It used to be an insane hour to me. At a quarter to 2 o'clock at night I would be fast asleep, happy to dream, cuddled, hassle-free.
Only after I joined university, that hour was witnessing my passion to read (I hardly ever remember learning something so late at night, but reading - yes, that was usually the case;).
Then, obviously, the coming-back-from-parties hour came on scene. Quite late in life, I agree; but you know, everyone's different. Until then, I didn't know birds are awake in the middle of the night.
Now I know it again. Not too often, though. Throughout my motherhood years (sounds like few ages, where in fact it's no more than 6 years) I developed a pretty clever ability to reach that deep sleep phase within seconds. To the detriment of my husband's night dreams. Obviously.

Amateurish

When I was genuinely young (light-years ago, that was; and yes, I know, this is actually to describe distance, but I like the sound of it, may I?;), I used to think I would be a mega specialist in something. I didn't know exactly what that something was, apart from its spectacular and profound nature, breathtaking when you hear it.

15 years later (there you go...), and my understanding of a career is much detailed. I want to be in peace with myself, I want to be not in pieces after a day of working, I want to feel fulfilled but still have time to feel myself up with good laugh, good read, and sound amount of sleep. Much more comprehensive, isn't it?:)

Sine wave

I honestly feel like on a sine wave slide now. Actually (my 6-year old girl's favourite word;), by 'now' I mean the last 11 years. Welcome, the theory of relativity, here is your true believer. When I was a teenager, 11-year period equalled eternity. 20+ years late (and I'm quite modest here;), the same amount of time is nothing but a passing moment in time...

However, I was To touch on my emotional and physical yo-yo effect I witnessed first-hand over the last decade.

Looks like my ability to see things clearly and prevent occasional freak-outs is subject to strong variations, stronger than any statistical average womanist behaviour ever revealed (by the way, I strongly believe that statistics is one of the best lies widely tolerated in the world today; showing a graphics in different dimensions tells us a completely distinct story. I know, I've been there;).

Being a Libra, stability and balance should be my middle names. What's ironical about it, is that when I see the ideal image of me (not the one in the mirror, the one of my mind and soul), I am indeed well-organized, my brain is clear of distractions, I am focused on my aim, I know what to do, I show love and understanding to everybody around, I am patient beyond belief, and so on.

When you look at real me, I have short phases of being like that, feeling like I'm on top of the world, when everything, literally everything goes smoothly, the world loves me, and I love the world back.

For most of the time, I am a mixture of a witch and outrageous vixen who knows best, has no mercy to tiredness, expects everyone, literally everyone in her family to understand her moodiness, and love her; as a result she might, but only might, show some acceptance back. 

I heard that in terrestrial civilizations such personality type is called a mum.

Woman - definition

When she watches youtube videos late at night on how to perfectly cover dark circles with a concealer. Instead of simply going to sleep earlier.

;)

Handbag

I used to use handbags when I was a corporate ant. It was a place to hide a bag of jellies, to keep lipstick and mirror I would never use during the day anyway, to have a purse, phone, some tissues,  moisturizer, and tons of store receipts I would clearly need at random occasions.
With motherhood on, I no longer needed all these. I had a pram, a changing bag, a 'food-and-drink-and-mum-let's-take-something-sweet' bag - no place for a handbag, no hand for a place to keep my mirror and receipts.
Few months back, when we were going out, I was on a verge of taking my handbag out of the deep dark corner of my closet. One look from my husband, and I resigned. After months and months of not using something, it would most probably get lost on DLR quicker than expected anyway, forgotten, sad and lonely...

Why do women need them? Is this some kind of a gender manifesto? I'm a woman, this is my handbag? I use pockets in my jacket to keep my hands warm, not to tuck thousands of thousands of little items men usually take with them, all 100% useful and indispensable? Is it just a needless reminiscence from the days you would never ever leave your home with no hat on, handbag being your first second best friend?

I guess there's a huge misconception around body care, image care, and importance of public view. Some think these are children of the recent years. In fact, we are witnessing the most careless approach to our appearance since the Stone Age.

Handbag to me is a symbol of an organised - yes, I mean organised;) - way of living, with necessary items in place when needed, put nicely in a packaging matching my outfit, taking away the stress of not having something important with, making me feel secured, self-confident, ready to conquer the world with a smile, and - yes;) - lipstick on:))

Epicentre

Yesterday it was a really lazy day. Over half of the family wandered around with no specific purpose in mind. Others ;) digged into social media, and I also felt a complete lack of necessity to clean up.
When I shared that thought on one of the forums I was meticulously following, one of the other members responded almost immediately, with the following quote:
'who cares?'
Actually, she was quite right. Even though others replied with consolation, and said I was not alone with that feeling, that first blunt reaction made me really sad.

And then I realized how fragile we all are. A person I have never met, who doesn't know me at all has obviously no interest in my feelings. That's understandable.

Staying strong, believing in yourself is difficult enough; exposing some of your thoughts and sharing them with the world makes you potentially weaker. And, when you get a rude but honest feedback, you may fall.

I know I'm dramatizing here, but thus us just where it can go. For me, the whole experience lasted just few minutes, and left me with the best statement I could think of: it's me who cares! And for me, that is more than enough!:)