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Tuesday, 27 June 2017

I like London in the rain

Have a feeling I wrote that already. It's a beginning of a song. The song, actually, as I recall the rhythm and the vibe quite well.

Anyway, it would suggest I like London 79% of the time. Including the fact June this year has been very summery, with lots of warmth and positive, summery feelings. No longer talking about the weather.

This whole being a mum thing is quite depressing. So nice weather actually helps a lot.

My thoughts today are very, very inconsistent, more than usual, at least. Thoughts floating around, banging at my door, trying to get in and overwhelm me.

The reason being, I lost it again. The being a calm and caring mum who doesn't get angry, counts to 100 at all times before saying a word, thinks before she speaks, and so on. Not today, sadly.

Not that it was that awful. But it is that feeling again, that irritating physical pain in my throat after I use that very low voice, not shouting really, but speaking with such intensity and opening almost all the filters between my brain and my mouth (never a good idea), when I know I lost it.

And now I am thinking, seeing my two little ones (although after our last amazing trip, of which I will definitely mention very soon), calmly sleeping, quiet and showing no signs of post-intense-maternal-attack stress disorder, I am drinking my orange juice (no wine, it's the middle of the week; rules, people!), and I am simply wondering, what did I teach my kids today?

First comes the guilt. I lost it, how can it be that I loose it, how can I expect them to deal with their own feelings since I cannot gulp down my own ones?

Then comes the reflection. I am not ideal (shocker), so maybe, just maybe (hello, my big fat justifier of all wrongdoings, you never let me down), it was a good thing, to let them know that I too have feelings that I cannot deal with?

Need to talk to them tomorrow. Ask how they feel.

Can't change the past. But can influence the present. Which, in turn, will modify the future, to some extent.
Cheers to that!