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Wednesday, 30 July 2014

In sickness

No one really tells you how awful you feel when your children are sick. No matter how hard you try, you cannot help the overwhelming feeling of failure, disaster, and - yes - disgrace to yourself for your unsuccessful attempts to ease their frustration and pain.

This is how I feel now. Posts are suspended until healthy little faces are back with us. Hopefully soon.

Saturday, 26 July 2014

Continual learning

I recall, when being at school, a then new theory emerging that people shall change their attitude towards knowledge, and gone would be the days they finish their education with a degree. Few years later (OK, actually it is more than few. But let's not focus on irrelevant details here:) we are constantly being bombarded with another, and yet another portion of information. While part of that is some media gibberish, some of it are courses, trainings, webinars, and lectures. Usually online, always at hand.
I seem to cope with that enormous amount badly. There are at least 5 courses I started a good while ago, with a genuine will to have them completed, and never did that.
Obviously, I have my reasons things turned out that way. Moreover, in some cases I still honestly believe I will indeed finish them. ...;)
Consistency. A notion to keep up with. My everyday goal, usually not met.

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Ticking clock

Time is flying. I can now barely remember how teeny tiny my 5-year old was when she was born.
I only recall being on her first photo session, when she was 3-weeks old, and I just wanted to capture this moment from the first weeks of her life. There was a lady there, waiting for her shoot with 2 boys in the early school years. She said to me then: 'you quickly forget how small a baby is when she is born'. That struck me a bit, and I didn't realise how true were her words, untill, well, recently.

Time is flying. My little one is attempting running for some time now, and the image of him lying still in his cot is like a blurred picture to me;)

There's this undoubtfully sound statement coined by mums: our kids grow, we are not ageing.
On a serious note though, it is true. When there are young people around, we seem to enjoy life more. Even if the enjoyment part is of a more general nature as everyday tasks pile up and make life look like a line-up of cleaning, cooking (now that's the part I seem to limit, to the benefit of play with my young adventurers), and organising on a tactical level.

If only you are at ease with yourself, and with the fact that you are either a working mum, or a stay-at-home mum (which, in both cases mean you do work anyway), and you are not looking for justification of your state ('I am thrilled with the idea of not working/working professionally', and so on), then life is good. And with the young ones, jumping on your bed at 7am, requesting you not to sleep and getting you involved in a birthday party play with a dolly, ponies, and a train, you are ok with that. And you get into that train, and play. And you feel good (and yes, sleepy;) ...

Saturday, 19 July 2014

Set them free

It's really a difficult thing for me: refrain myself from the usual: 'watch out / don't touch / leave that' moaning I seem to have been practising to perfection for the last couple of years.
OK, that was too harsh maybe, and a bit off the limits, but anyone reading this gets the idea, right?
The need to control is obviously unfulfilled in me, therefore I subconsciously chose the easiest option, directing that desire to be in charge towards the little ones.
It took me a good while to realise that. It takes a lot of effort to snap myself in the middle of a situation, and simply let go.
It spans from allowing my older one to sit wherever she chooses when we take a trip on the Underground (provided we can see each other at all times;), to seeing my little one running away in a park, as happy as human being can possibly be (followed by me catching breath while chasing him with a buggy before he reaches the grass edge; great muscles challenge for both).
Setting the limits is quite comforting, too. You know where you are, what is expected from you, no need to wonder how to react; all you need is any of these, you guessed it, 'watch out / don't touch / leave that' phrases.
Challenges. Sometimes it's all about releasing. Much harder than actually setting up.

Equal rights

There seem to be a lot of discussion around women, and their equal rights nowadays. I don't necessarily support the fuss. I feel it's great we can work, do what and when we can, and that it is up to us to set boundaries and limits to freedom of speech, professional development, and leisure.
Is it so however?
I guess I am a bit of a hypocrite here; raising my kids and focusing core activities around them makes me a typical example of a non-suffragist. Moreover, I like to benefit from womanhood and motherhood on a daily basis; when guys, and I mean it in a both-gender way, stop to let me pass through doors with a buggy. Or, when they turn around passing me by. Ok, the last one is no longer the case. I was meant to say: when they turnED;)))  anyway, I don't care. Really.;)

On topic: I do not feel at ease with the idea of women everywhere, in every possible job. The idea of a girl on a tractor (old and biased image from communist era; no, I do not live that long: I saw it online once, as a reminescence of not so good old days) doesn't apply to me.
I guess when you are a human being (for me, box is ticked), at ease with oneself (hmm, usually the case, apart from the not-so-often appearing drama of 'I have nothing to wear', or the 6-year old in me, saying 'I'm so ronely, and nobody likes me'), you don't need equal rights to make you feel contented. You have that in you.

And it keeps you going in whichever direction you choose, whatever the weather.

Is little not enough?

Last morning, I saw a mum with a little boy, dressed for school, as they passed the street right in front of us. He had his school bag with him, she held nothing but an iPhone in her hand.
(iPhones should actually be called MEphones; there's soooo much show and at least +15 to appearance for people hanging around with their precious ones, and I don't mean their kids obviously, just so to make sure everyone around notices what they have in their hands. And just in case if anyone wonders this is me talking out of hate, jealousy and mean-spiritedness, you are wrong;) I actually have one myself, the MEphone I mean, got as a present from my husband, which is great at so many levels;)
She had no backpack, no handbag, no clutch, literally nothing but the MEphone.
Me, on the contrary, I had a bag with some snacks (always handy: this is to make sure we don't pop into a shop for some candies). Then, there was Zosia's backpack (it was really hot this morning; otherwise she would carry it herself). A bag with little one's essentials (nappies, baby wipes, one portion of milk carton, few small toys, spare body, and a spare bag: I seem to be obsessed with these; always have at least two with me). A bag with swim wear, and a towel (that is not part of our daily routine: there was a water day at school to celebrate the forthcoming summer break). All hooked to a buggy. In short, we looked like a gang of homeless travellers, with our feet being the only mean of transport available. Heart-catching and off-putting.
The key question is: how did the other mum make it? With all the stuff NOT accompanying her? The simplest answer: she only had one little kid to keep an eye on. Still, most of the things we had related to Zosia anyway. So it's not the case here.
Let's face it: she was better organised, with a plan of the day ahead minutiously done, all necessary details checked before she left home. And they were not even in a hurry, again opposite to us...
Looks like I envy her. And I don't even know her.

Then again, what if she saw us, and thought: 'Wow, they are perfectly packed, and prepared for soo many options a day may bring.';) that would be actually quite funny.

I actually find it quite soothing to step into somebody else's shoes. Even when I am wrong, at least it makes me feel better:)))

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

Express yourself

There is a 5-year old girl, and a 1-year old boy in our house. Sometimes I feel like they secretely treble though. I love painting, and drawing, and cutting, and using unusual materials as well, like rose petals, or any leftovers from birthday party decorations. Unfortunately at the moment we do this with the older one when the little one is asleep. Which is not as much as we used to.
However we get the little one involved in earlier phases of crafting. And that helps bonding, without making the older one feel forgot, or abandoned. Like the other day, we went to a park, and the little one carefully picked the rose petals, and gave them to us. It was real fun to him, running around and looking for possible treasures to bring and make his mum, and sister, smile. And yes, that also means, my current running and chasing abilities are at its peak, but it is worth it!;)))
Planning is key, however spontaneous actions seem to work as well. Just always have a spare bag with you; you never know what a short walk may bring ...

Friday, 11 July 2014

Sudden break

Yesterday my older one had a day off. We decided to take this opportunity, and finally (it took us a good while!) travel by London Underground. With the little one, obviously.
It was real fun! Despite the weather, i.e. a typical British summer, with showers, winds, and mud;)
We managed to see the Buckingham Palace, and made it for the last 10 minutes of the daily changing of the guard. The older one found their fluffy hats particularly appealing. The little one was more interested in the shape of leaves above us, along the Green Park, where we came from. He likes watching wind, which is not unusual for children; they do prefer things moving to the ones standing/ lying still, in general. And apparently green wins with furry black, red and golden jackets, and trumpets.
We also went to Mayfair, where in 'the Summer in the Square' we listened to a chello player, wonderful Rachael Lander, for 15 consecutive minutes, which stands for the longest ever Zosia's record of non-disturbed active listening;) My adventureous little ones both liked it, with the little one clapping joyfully, and saying 'nana', which surely meant he approved of it.
We played Noughts and Crosses, with huge wooden Xs and Os. There was more to do, and we are definitely coming back. Unless there are more showers;)))

But I guess the best part was to&fro. Travelling by metro, and laughing when the train was going so quickly we had to hold rails with both hands. Stopping by to see a funny, colorful, lollipops-like tree sculpture, which was named the older's one favourite spot of the day; no surprise there. Counting whatever possible along the way (circular windows are our all time favourites). Having fun.

That's what it's all about.

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

Game Over

That was the saying on a T-shirt my husband bought short before our wedding. I found it funny back then. But now I think these words have some meaning.
We can easily forget we are unique, and together we create something unusual, too. I mean, apart from the kids, but that is quite rough. And rich, coming from me, as I never really knew I would have children on my own. I had minor health issues ages ago, including unnatural tendency to getting thinner and thinner, which I successfully overcame (too successfully maybe:). But that is something many girls go through, from slightly exaggerated physical self-awareness, to dreadful and fatal breakdowns. There is not enough education on the subject.

I meant to tackle (an autocorrect function just suggested 'tickle' ...;) ups of a relationship.
It is great to have a loving person next to you, who wants to listen to what you have to say, understands you may have difficult days sometimes, when you should just let your lips stay sealed, instead of bursting with mean words, with actually no particular reason, apart from desperate and subconscious calling for attention. A typical child-like approach.
It is comforting to have a tender person next to you, who appreciates cuddles and hugs, just like children do.
It gives you courage and strength to carry on with tactical things, without missing your strategic point. That is, if you have one. If you don't, it is great that this person lets you have your moment, or two, to think over what are you aiming for in life.

It is not necessarily the end of the world, when you get married. It is just a different phase in your life, where compromise and that famous tripple of love&peace&understanding get you.

Sunday, 6 July 2014


I sometimes think my zodiac sign truly represents my inner self.
Constant fight for stability.
Testing time for ages before a serious decisions is made.
Attention to detail, perfect in strict business environment, totally annoying and usually unbearable to others in private life.
Need for admiration, totally annoying, if not put on hold (obviously;), in strict business environment, perfect in private life:)

I'm Libra, by the way.

Thursday, 3 July 2014


I thought about it a lot when I was expecting my first child. The core of parenthood. And before she was born, I strongly believed it was love, understanding, joy.
I was completely wrong.
It's guilt. A parent feels guilty most of the time. When they loose their temper. When they hurry their child because they want to be at work on time, at once. When they stroke little sleepy head, and sing a lullaby, thinking of few awful things they said today to the blood of their blood. When they see them grow and becoming more independent each day, and they wish they did better, showed more they loved, laughed louder with them.
Ok, more lines like these, and I start to cry. Silly:)

Today I was not the best of mums, I did not bit my tongue (at least twice), and was seriously counting to 10, which for me is the ultimate sign something is rotten.
However, I managed to smile, and cuddle, and tickle, and talk (a lot; not a rocket science for me).
And I said sorry for being rough, which is what I would expect my 5-year old to do herself.
And felt guilty only few times.

Usual day in da family.
(Almost. I could have bit my tongue, really...)

Wednesday, 2 July 2014

In demand

When the only thing you find in your letter box is a finesse lacking by-election leaflet, you can wonder whether there is anybody out there still interested whether you are alive. Well, the politicians fighting for a suddenly emerged vacancy may desire your voting. But do they really care who you are? An online beauty retailer may know a bit more about your favourite, hm hm hmm, anti-ageing serum, which you cannot stop using, naively and desperately. But do they know what kind of person you actually are?

We are nothing but customers to everyone around us. It is so rare to find a person you truly, deeply and sincerely trust, with no shadow of a doubt upon their good intensions towards you (misdoings can happen;)

Today I am full of melancholic sorrow. Which did not prevent me from expressing my everyday tendency to rule the world. Starting from the closest ones to me. Who, clearly, are potentially the ones with true, deep and sincere trust in me, and even when they find me a little freaky sometimes, they mean it in a good way. Lack of appreciation from my end stretches the boundaries of love, endurance and understanding. Why am I testing the water? Instead of being content and sweet, not bitter?

I saw a movie recently about a teenager with divorced parents, younger brother, and leukaemia. Putting aside the fact it really moved me, it revealed the old truth to me: we only appreciate what we have when it's no longer there. I guess the hardest part is to see that with your own eyes, when there is still time to enjoy all the good stuff happening to us, and working on having it more, i.e. cherish every happy moment and try not to spoil it with grumbling & whining about trivial details.

Action plan: be nice
(There. I could have done with it in 4 words;)

Tuesday, 1 July 2014


This morning I became one of them: frustrated mothers who are hungry for a conversation, happy to engage in one with a complete stranger.
I have never thought it would be me; I am talkative, yes, but quite reserved, and usually too embarrassed to go beyond yes, thank you, please, etc.
(Who am I kidding? Yesterday I was talking to a dishwasher, which has this annoying buzz at the end of a cycle, lasting literally over 30 secs, and if there is anyone out there who ever had to listen to a fire alarm for over half a minute, they know what I mean. Like it couldn't have been any of the Police songs instead. I wouldn't mind it then at all.)
A talk started with a lady queuing in front of me. Technically, she initiated a discussion, looking at my little one, who was just showing off (with a completely innocent look on his face) his 6 minutes of calmness a day. She turned out to be a mum herself, with a 30 months old boy. Now, when a mum tells you her child is 20+ months old, you might easily guess it's her first one (I am far from being judgmental here; just a pure observation I thought I would share). While waiting for our coffees (we were obviously standing in line for a coffee;), we exchanged ideas and semi-parental suggestions about children's behaviour, potty training, potential ADHD, and even - yikes! - lice...
And then, all of a sudden, we both couldn't stop talking. Then my Mini Man decided he's done with his presentation on how an ideal child should look like, and started to bring my attention by loudly requesting food. Not too loud actually, loud enough though to make us set apart.
I still think about that lady, who may sometimes feel as lonely in the unquestionably wonderful motherhood state, as only a woman can feel.
There is quite a number of community centres where you can come with your children and talk to the others. Sometimes though, it would be nice to be able to talk about something else then children, like latest haircut trends, or who is going to succeed in the World Cup this year (I personally believe Germany is in it to win it; Brasil will obviously not let go easily), or how to learn Mandarin in 6 weeks (not that I want to, just needed 3 unalike examples;).
Then again, the lady and I, while talking, we still discussed children ...