When you look for sth here

Sunday, 27 March 2016

Breaking the news

People go away this year more than ever. I know it sounds silly, and just means I'm getting older, but really...
Almost as if there was a limited space available for awesomeness in the world...

Everyone is unique and awesome. Just not everyone gets a chance to see that themselves. And not everyone gets notice. That doesn't mean they are less exceptional.

Last year, a colleague from primary school, who I barely knew and never passed the 'hi' phase, died out of a serious disease. While, sadly, it was not the first death I faced, it was the one that made me extremely sad. For longer than usual. And then it was one of the reasons I woke up. Because it is up to me what I do with my life. Even when, and especially when, I have no idea when it ends.

Saturday, 26 March 2016

The Day - part 2 out of many :)

All is fine. They were just playing in their room, using old changing board as a mini slide. An idea both me and the SuperSpiderGirl accidentally implemented on a gloomy day about a year ago. Saved by inventive spirit...

We're on our way to the shops to get few things before Easter. The crucial ones: milk, bread, apples. Milk is for the younger, bread for the older, apples for all really. As we go through the university, we pass many visitors, not discouraged by unfavorable weather conditions, bravely pretending they can fully admire the work of Christopher Wren, while wind blows their heads off, and rain slowly soaks their spring attire. It's almost April. It's supposed to be warmer.

Home sweet home... I haven't thought of the place we live in now as home until recently. Which is by all means weird. Apparently you need to feel like at home to call a place home, like this, where I can fully relax, and feel positive vibrations from every corner of every room. It's not about the place, it's about the people, and yet...

I have daffodils in a vase. Put them in 3 days ago, and they are in full bloom since yesterday. They are not the usual yellow ones, rather a slightly twisted version, white ones with light lemony middle. 9 out of 10, that is. Cause the 10th one is different. It's yellow with orange bits in the centre. Like if the sun was shining on that particular one, the late afternoon rays warming and embracing. It's nice:)

The Day - part 1 out of many :)

I raise my head and see shiny whiteness of kitchen cupboard right in front of me. Making pancakes at this insane hour is nothing new to me, but after just few hours of sleep everything seems to be less exciting, and more energy-consuming. Yet, there is something soothing about pouring milk into whisked eggs, adding clouds of flour and have all the mess transforming into one consistent mixture. Just a touch of olive oil, and another cloud, of cinnamon this time... Ready. Waiting for the pan to give that right temperature, not too cold, and not too hot. The right one. Wondering how many coffees will get me through the day...

Apparently, I'm Gucci with one (for anyone who has no idea what I just said, like me until few days ago, Gucci means good... Seriously? I'm not even in Italy... Been to Florence once, but... Seriously? Why not I'm McQueen with one? Then at least I would fit into local 'proud to be British' campaign. Even though I am neither British, nor proud. Ok, I am sometimes. Proud, that is. I am... So I'm McQueen with one...). Reading a book about the fashion in Poland after World War II, when the centralised system and unification of clothes scarcely available in shops led to manifestation of one's own style and approach to life in general through their dresses, scarfs, coats, usually second hand, usually recreated to fit better, and therefore unique and unrepeatable. 'Fashion is a way of fighting.' I would say that was and is and will be the case everywhere. Just another form of creating something, expressing oneself, and enjoying oneself. Which is what life is meant to be, after all.

There is this silence all of the sudden. Still being Gucci, or McQueeny, it took me only 3 minutes to notice that. What are they doing? Is something wrong? Stop. This doesn't help. There's two of them, If something is wrong with one, the other will come and tell you. Then again, what if both of them need my help? Awful, awful mother. So I go. Only to see...

Friday, 25 March 2016

My new invention

It hit me today. What I need, and what all need is Patience for Parents in infinite containers.

Even when you're not the one with the kids, it helps. A lot. It makes you see things differently. Enjoy the moments. See through.

Patience is something that can change time. Incredible but true: if you find the time in yourself to get to know what is behind yet another tantrum, yet another moaning, yet another angry conversation... If you're patient, you will get to the bottom of things. You will get to the truth.

And then it is up to you to decide whether you want to help, or leave it all. And go.

But at least you know.

Thursday, 24 March 2016

The power of sounds and music

Recently, I listened to this amazing TED speech from a conductor who managed to create a choir of up to 4000 people from more than 70 countries singing their hearts out at the comfort of their own homes. The first ever music performance with no commuting required from any person involved; talking about remote working at a completely different level...
Yes, it took a lot of time, and included a lot technical tweaks, but the end result was absolutely amazing, touching, and uplifting.

Surprisingly touching to me, at least.
Usually, there has to be deep sound (sometimes quirky, and dark, like from a friend of mine, this one) and lyrics (meaningful, syncing in with my emotions and feelings). Only such combination gets to me. This time, words didn't play any part at all. This time, the combined power of sounds made it all an astonishing experience.

Which is not a surprise. Looking at this study alone, it is clear that sound is important to people. To communicate. To feel. To be. What fascinates me most though, is the fact that even those with hearing problems can still feel the vibrations created by sounds. And while it is a different type of 'sound' experience in their lives, it is still there. Amazing.

I just wish I could have a better speaker system in place, to be able to feel that emotions and coziness, and sudden reassurance that everything is going to be all right, that people can do great things, so I can do great things, too. Something like any of these, for example, from Panasonic Wireless Speakers range. With children in place, and strong aversion to cables and wires used to haunting me from every corner of the room (something one gets acquainted with, and not necessarily is extremely at ease with, when in a relationship with an IT geek), it sounds - yes, it does sound, indeed;) - like a perfect solution.
Plus, when something is wireless, it all of the sudden makes me feel more free, less bound to, and touches upon quite a strong sense of independence I seem to always have had, but developed quite well over the last year, or so. Even if it's clever marketing doing its job here, it works. Making me feel more free, less bound to, and good.
Besides, I like the idea of connection, synchronization, and availability regardless of place and time. And it's all there. Great for someone like me, who appreciates being wrapped up in different genres of music, whatever the need is. Great for someone who organises a party at home, and desperately flicks through their not so impressive collection of 4 CDs at the very last minute, almost panicking (that would be me as well:). What they should be doing instead, is breath in, breath out, relax, and reach for thousands of great songs on their Spotify, or Soundcloud accounts, easily accessible with a clever tool like this. Great for someone with children who seem to calm down when they hear soothing tones of classical music, poured gently but efficiently into their sleepy heads at night (yep, me again:).

Looks like I have found my dream Easter present:)))

Tuesday, 22 March 2016

Love Somebody

It's the title of a song I recently fell in love with. If anyone is looking for a meaningful lyrics packed with great sounds and presented by a beautiful voice, check this out.

And there is that very interesting concept of a feeling so overwhelming you loose yourself in it completely. To the point that you care about someone totally. Leaving no protection for you - all is booked for them, nothing is left for you.

I would say it depends:) sounds like the safest answer ever, but: yes, it does. In any kind of relationship there is usually one person being more emotionally attached than the other, one caring more than the other, one being - to put it straight, and slightly bias - less selfish than the other.

Still, there is this instinct to survive. Which allows you to indeed keep a bit of your heart to yourself.
There is experience, which vary; usually comes with age, but not necessarily in a good way... Sometimes it takes a lot of time to get to the point you are strong enough to  decide for yourself, and yourself only.

Each decision around feelings and emotions brings pain and release. It's life. No need to mourn, no need to celebrate.

In short then (yeah, right!:), I think there is never the case someone is totally OK with being totally driven by a feeling, and submit everything they have / desire / plan, just throw themselves into whatever life will bring.

Another thing is, are we ever in love with somebody else? Isn't it rather the case we are in love with our perception of the person we 'love'? And, since that is the case, we never really love that person? Just our collection of assumptions, our interpretations of their words, our understanding of their actions?

Tricks our minds can play. Blindness our desire may give us.

Not that I complain. It is always nicer to feel something rather than nothing.

Monday, 21 March 2016

Patience, conformity, and good luck

Patience is a virtue I lack.
Still find myself on the strong end, and I can endure a lot - otherwise my whole parenting experience would be nothing but a nightmare, truly. Yet, the inevitable feeling of guilt comes now and again when I cannot stand another moaning, cannot hold back raised voice, cannot force myself to count to 101, if needs be, and just give a hug.
As a result, the hug comes later, after I said what I felt, or after I just turned and left the room, coming back after 5 minutes. Anything beyond 5 would be disastrous from health and safety perspective (one cannot imagine what a nearly 3-year old is capable of doing when left unattended for 300+ seconds; personal studies results include a sink filled with water to the very brim, with whole toilet paper roll floating carelessly, making the bathroom look like a mini waterfall - adorable).
But the hug always comes.
And apologies.
One should respect another, no matter the age.

I had a fascinating conversation recently with my long-time-no-see friend from high school. We've never really got along in our teens; not deliberately, we just happened to be hanging around different circles. And when I accidentally met her last year, it was incredibly simple and effortless to talk for an hour. She talked, I listened. I talked, she listened. So much stuff was discussed, so many deep thoughts, it is almost unbelievable.
We met again, few weeks ago. This time we took the things seriously. One coffee, two teas, two pumpkin soups, and 5.5 hours later we were still not done with talking:).
One of the things we discussed was the duty we all seem to feel, and what my friend finds quite detrimental to one's individual thinking. The need to do things because you should do them. While I agree following the mob is not a good idea, I get desire to receive simple information, shortcuts to reassurance, and feeling of being sociably fulfilled when you follow the crowd. Rather than think on your own. It's practical, it saves time, and it keeps you cosy. But yes, it makes your thinking process rather limited most of the time. You shouldn't show your emotions, so you usually hide them - that's bad for you, too.

Last Saturday, we went for an experimental trip to the city centre. No buggy, so it was challenging right from the start. But it was so great just to use stairs rather than desperately looking for lifts, or using escalators in the most awkward and hazardous ways, with a buggy angled weirdly, and the Mini-Man getting interested in every single piece of technical equipment, making the whole experience a true survival story.
This time, the curiosity was there, but walking all the time payed off. Superspider girl was a bit disappointed - they didn't have her favourite cookies in a cafe (going to the cafe was a must-have; clearly only because they were tired; clearly my coffee addiction had noting to do with it; clearly). Mini-man was grumpy as mummy should be with him at all times, like the luggage you shouldn't leave unattended at the airports. He needs a grown up to raise his complaints to, to show his disapproval of things, and to hug when needed. Fair enough. So when I was paying for their snacks and drinks, and for my coffee, the lady at the till looked at both of them, waiting for me at the table; then looked at me, and said: 'Good luck'...

Wishing well is always good; I should do that more often to others, it definitely makes a day more bearable. Every time:)

Friday, 11 March 2016

The centre of all the attention

Recently, I found myself watching a crime TV series. Nothing unusual, I was raised on western movies, loved by my dad to this day. You could call them a combination of a crime story and a fairy tale, with distinct division between the good and the bad. And there was Steve McQueen, who I adored, and still do - great actor...

Anyway, that crime story I saw recently, it was taking place in Hawaii. Beautiful scenery, even more beautiful women (well, there was at least this one, really good-looking; and I like the fact I can honestly admire beauty in other females, and don't feel that stupid jealousy; just be in awe like if looking at a particularly interesting painting... like to think it is me being emotionally mature;) rather than feeling devastated, and in pieces, fully resigned, just accepting faith of the one in a much worse league;), and pretty obvious plot. Who cares about the plot, though, really. 

There was a non-related scene, the one which adds humor and a bit of distraction, with a happy and chubby amateur-cook, who happened to create marvelous food, but stressed when being verified by a professional 'master-chef'. That chef told him it is all because of one thing that needs to be switched back again, and then everything will be ok. And it turned out to be as he said.

That one thing he said, it was: it is all because you are cooking through here - pointing at the chubby man's forehead. You should be cooking through here - pointing at him again, but where his heart is.

I guess that is exactly what we all should do, with anything we do. Just do it with our hearts on, not with our brains on. And then, we're all sorted.

Wednesday, 9 March 2016

International Women Day

There's always this almost bipolar twist to it for me: I appreciate being put first (rarely ever happens, but when it does, I like the feeling:), yet I tend to think of me as a strong (ekhm), independent (ekhm, ekhm), and bold.

If I was a book character, I would rather be closer to a Wonder Woman than a Cinderella - nowhere near any of these two in terms of beauty, but I'm talking personality types. In reality, I am a mixture of both.

Therefore, my International Women Day this year was full of daffodils, bashfully starting to bloom all around me. With a touch of self-reliance from Legally Blonde, followed by Legally Blonde, part 2.

My presents to self. Theoretically the best, since I know the donee quite well...

And today, I had a great day. The one I hadn't had in weeks:)

Friday, 4 March 2016

Reading genes

It would be so nice, wouldn't it? If there was such thing as reading genes.

I love reading. It has been part of me for as long as I remember (and now, if anyone is reading, they just roll they eyes / yawn / go back to do anything they have been doing up until now, since it's now less boring and more uplifting; I can't help the truth though...:). Since I was 3, and started getting an idea about letters put together, an amazing world opened for me.

I believe it is such a shame that there are so many human beings who don't find the idea of reading equally amazing. It's like travelling and going places without moving anywhere - all cozy and comfortable:_)

So when I see my kids sharing my passion for books, I can only smile. And think, that there is that much you can do to pass good things to them. Happy this is one of them.

Wednesday, 2 March 2016

All about giving

There is this nice feeling of accomplishment, and inner pride when you give something to someone. Better still, if they like what you give. If you don't, there are ways to show it: nastier and mean, or gentle and nice.
Shamefully, I did both - receiving something I was totally not happy with. I got bitter aftertaste after being mean, and felt good about myself after being nice.
I thought I got it all explained in my head.
Recently, however, I got the best explanation ever. From a person with over 7 years of experience in receiving presents, and a bit more than 4 in giving them.

- Do you know why you feel good when you give presents? Because when you give a lot of them, you get a lot of them, too.

Logically, that is the case.

I should have figured it out sooner.

Then again, it wouldn't be half as sweet and lovely as when hearing it from her...

Tuesday, 1 March 2016


People in the play

- I like feeling relaxed at home, and wearing nothing. It's so liberating. I wish I could do that more often.
- What stops you?
- Daylight. Neighbours. English appropriateness.
- Never thought any of that matters to you.
- Hehe

- Went window shopping last night.
- Sounds upsetting
- Not at all; it felt liberating actually - no need to spend any money with all the freedom to flick through clothes.
- That's ok then

- Finally! The spring is here. Why are you wearing that turtleneck today? It's really warm!
- Oh, it's just that... I felt chilly this morning...
- You? Chilly! You're the one wearing T-shirts all year long! Chilly?!?
- Yeah, well, it's... it's complicated...
- Meaning? What's happening?
- Everything is fine. I need to go.

- That dress is beautiful! But I cannot wear it.
- Why not? It will suit you!
- It's too... too... revealing
- No it's not, there's just a T-shirt neckline, nothing more.
- Yeah, but the colours, I don't think they suit me.
- You will look lovely, just try it on, you will see.
- I can't!
- What is going on? Will you tell me? I can help you, if needs be!
- Aha. Ok. Thanks, no need for that.

(reading a newspaper)
' A 22-year old Alice G. was discovered dead at the Cwrwrrwwmhn Inn in Wales, alongside a note with just one word: "Closet". It turned out she has been severely wounded, and strangled several times, with 4 facial bones fractured as a result of physical abuse...'
(stops reading)
- If only I wasn't so selfish... If only I didn't let her go...