'I suppress a shudder, instead forming my face into what I’m hoping is a charming smile. You never know who your source is going to be'
The Affair by Emma Kavanagh
It's a short story about a murder.
Not a very optimistic intro, I know. Then again, this is not an uplifting, fake, and photoshopped version of me. This blog is me. And the lines I put here are me, too.
I remember when I read Prince by Machiavelli for the first time, I was quite shocked. OK, who am I kidding, I have not read it all. I just glanced at some parts, remembered few cliche phrases, and was ready for a debate (secondary school years, sweet and innocent, in a way).
But anyways, what I meant to write was I am not really that sneaky, overly clever, and looking for nothing but benefit everywhere. Yes, I can spot occassional profit, but usually am not original enough to be there first.
Therefore, when I read The Affair, that line about source was an enlightenment to me.
I always had this complex of suiting everyone, pleasing everyone. And when there was a single case of cruelty, even with no reason behind, I was deep in depression. World was ending.
With a family of my own now, it's slightly better - you have that balance of two sweet little monsters requiring attention, no time for self-pity I wrote about few times here already.
But still, its a very sad feeling.
Fairly recently, I have been offended in public (on FB, nowadays it's public), just because I pointed out a mistake the offender made.
At first, I couldn't believe it - denial.
Then, I was devastated - exaggerataion.
Finally, there is anger - awakening:_)
Still, I try to form my face in a charming (ekhm) smile quite often. Too often.