Just came across that beautiful word. It describes me most of the time... for my first 23 years of age and for the last 10 months, at least...
So, what happened in between? Could say nothing, since these days / moments never existed and you're reading notes from a 24-year old who happens...OK, that's enough. Not true and noone is buying that.
I went through this funny period many other people experience: you loose someone you really were strongly attached to, never realised that until they were gone, since they were always with you, or by your side... And all of a sudden, you have no idea what to do. Getting through the next morning, and next day seems impossible. You think you want to die, but that's not true either. Checked that, doesn't work (Nothing spectacular; just happened to be sitting on a window frame on the 3rd floor of this newly built not yet finished and not very much protected building on a frosty December evening... To make it slightly dramatic, it was New Year's Eve... But even though I was sitting there, jumping was not an option; not only because there was no way I could easily end my existence and would rather get severe joints fractures and great pain, and probably even greater embarrassment at best... But that was not an option. I got to know then that you need a lot of courage to jump. And since then I strongly believe most of those brave - stupid, lost but brave people who ended their own lives - that most of them regret their decision in that very last moment when all is sadly irrevocable...). You do live, and have to get through that awful time when you wish you weren't there. When you remind yourself all these moments you could have been better, smile more, hug more, say how happy you were with them. But you didn't.
Someone may ask what is funny in that period? It is dramatic, may look funny to those who see you mumbling to yourself and looking at others with extremely hostile look... But it is not funny...
Well, actually, it is. While you need that time to reconcile, to get back to harmony, or even discover the harmony in you you never really thought about before - it is the most selfish period of your life. However cruel that sounds, you whine about your misery and lack of sense in your life (not true but you think you are 100% right) because you lost someone important to you. And while you whine you didn't tell them that you liked them, or loved them, you whine about you. Not about them. You whine about your own feelings.
And that is completely normal.
Since the most important person in your life is you.
When you realise that, you start to see other people again. And realise you need to be a better person because it helps you feel better about yourself. And helps you keep going.
Love is everything. Start from yourself...
(That was loquacious:)))