These are going to be quite a few days. I think.
I used to be super excited before Christmas; presents - obviously - were at the top of my interest, with smells and flavors ambling through the house, all under control of my grandma.
I enjoyed cracking nuts which seemed to be all I did each December evening, apart from reading and playing cards with my grandparents. Magical and powerful set of activities I guess:_)
Now there's none of that. At least the tree is there, though. Decorated by my SuperSpiderGirl. And no, I did not amend any of the things she put. Partially because her taste is genuinely good. Most of all, however, this is for her and her little brother. No need to interfere.
The tree is not enough. It's a good start, but it is not enough.
The food and smells from childhood which I try to reconstruct, as clumsily as possible - no giving up though:_) - won't do either.
It's love. And understanding. And joy, and laughter.
That is missing.
And that feeling that I am the most loved, the most cared for, the most important for the people around me.
Some of them are in my heart and in my thoughts. Some I will never be able to see again. To some I wasn't even able to say thank you for giving me that security - it didn't seem to matter that much then.
Doing my best to pass that security onto the kids now. As clumsily as possible.
But not giving up:_)))